Interaction between men and women

3.1 Interaction between men and women

Men and women communicate differently because they see the world from different perspectives. Here are some basic differences:

First, men tend to be task- oriented and focus more on task accomplishment. Women tend to be relationship-oriented and try to build, maintain and strengthen relationships (Gray, 1992). For men, there should be a clear purpose for conversation, say solving a problem. For woman, conversation is an act of sharing feelings and increasing intimacy with her partners. In other words, men tend to create relationships with each other by doing things together, but women can build relationship by simply talking. (Tannen, 1990) The difference explains why, in a conversation, men are inclined to debate. They can have a disagreement, move on to another subject, and go get a drink together. While women are likely to express agreement and support. If women have a disagreement with each other, it affects their relationship.

Men and women cope with stress differently. When men feel down, they are likely to withdraw themselves from the conversation or situation and stay alone. They reduce stress by forgetting about the problems and focusing on other things, like watching TV, reading newspaper, or playing computer games. When women feel down, they are likely to reach people，talk about negative emotions and let them go. (Gray, 1992)

Because of these differences, misunderstandings and even conflicts could occur in an interaction between men and women. Here is an example.  

Mary: I’m really tired. I have so much work to do—I don’t know how I’m going to get it done!  John: Why don’t you take a day off and rest, if you’re so tired?

Mary: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot! You think my contribution to this household is so trivial that I can do nothing and the difference won’t even be noticed?      

In this case, the woman tried to share her emotional concerns (feeling tired), but the man focused on the fact and offer a solution. So when men offered a solution, rather than talk about a problem, the woman would feel that he lacks empathy.

Here is another example. Mary was very upset when she met John for dinner. She explained that she was worried about a friend who has begun drinking heavily.

Mary: I am so worried about Bob, he drinks a lot. What can he do?

John: Tell him to go for counseling.

Mary: I feel so worried. He could be killed by overdrinking.  

John: Make sure he does not drive after drinking. It is dangerous.

Mary: I don’t need your advice!

John: Then why did you ask for it?

In this conversation, the woman’s implication could be, “We’re connected，I really care about you and your safety.” But, the man’s understanding could be “you just want to know where I am, what I am doing all the time.”He felt that he was not respected and admired. 

In a word, men use language to tackle problems, women use language to build relationship and share emotions. So, as a woman, you must learn how to respect and admire men. And for a man, you must learn how to show emotional support. If you know the important differences, you will avoid misunderstandings in your communication and build a good relationship. Thank you for watching. See you next time.

Practice